I honestly thought our friendship was over. It had been weeks since we’d spoken, and only a year ago, it was uncommon for Dan and me to go a day without some form of contact.
We’d traveled together, trained together, and kept each other company when we both moved states.
Despite that, it looked like the friendship had run its course. It was sad. I didn’t have anyone to replace him. No one really knows me as well as he does.
If you asked me why, I would have said:
Because he’s lost the ability to be present when we’re together. Even over the phone, I can tell that he’s no longer paying attention.
It’s a very lonely experience speaking to someone who’s not listening. Especially when they are supposed to be close to us. They’re someone we trust. Yet, their lack of attention makes us feel unseen and unimportant.
From others in my life, I’ve learned to expect it. I overlook it on the basis that everyone’s busy, we’re not that close anyway, it was just a friendly chat, it didn’t require them to pay close attention.
Still, it doesn’t feel good, no matter who does it.
The gap between what I’m saying and what they hear, or don’t, is called the ‘Listening Gap’. This term was coined by some nerds at Harvard and UCLA who studied people speaking to one another.
The listening gap is one of the reasons that many people feel profoundly lonely even when they’re surrounded by people. Many of whom would call themselves friends!
This research found that across all areas of life, feeling genuinely heard translates to well-being, professional success, and the quality of our relationships. In other words, it’s one of the most important things we can give another person.
We can’t always do much about them, but we can definitely do a lot about the way we listen.
But it does require actually doing something rather than just performing. The Harvard guys found that the single most effective signal of genuine listening wasn’t a nod or eye contact. It was a relevant follow-up question. Something that could only come from someone who had actually been paying attention.
One question. That’s the difference between making someone feel heard and making them feel alone.
Today: In your next conversation, resist the urge to nod along and wait for your turn. Ask one question that proves you were actually listening. Not a polite question. A specific one, about something they actually said.
As for my mate Dan. He called me the other night. Out of the blue. When the timing was right, I chose to deal with our declining friendship and said, “I just don’t feel like you’re present when we spend time together.”
I think he heard what I said, and the conversation carried on. Later, I found myself telling a funny story about another mate of ours. At the end of my story, he said, “Wait. Go back a few steps. How did you end up getting free parking?” A question that would have taken some keen listening to come up with.
I smiled and felt like my old friend was back.
Cool, Calm Communication — Post 5 of 5