Have you heard of John Gottman?
If you’ve done any relationship work, you probably have. He’s done more research into relationship communication than almost anyone alive.
One of his best-known pieces of research is when he brought couples into his lab and asked them to have a real disagreement. He would film them for fifteen minutes, and then he could predict whether they’d be divorced within six years …
… with over 90% accuracy!
But these predictions were based not on WHAT they said, but HOW they said it.
And it wasn’t what you’d think: insults and accusations. Instead, four patterns became the most reliable predictors of a doomed relationship.
Criticsm • Contempt • Defensiveness • Stonewalling
The most lethal of these four was … contempt.
Not contempt in their words. But contempt exhibited through … body language.
Eye-rolling, sneering, turning away, going physically still and silent mid-conversation. The curled lip. The eye-roll that says “here we go again.” The sigh that starts before you’ve finished your sentence. A glance at their phone while you’re saying something that matters to you. Contempt doesn’t need words. It’s the slap that doesn’t make a sound.
And the couples in Gottman’s lab weren’t even aware they were doing it!
Sure, they were aware they were having a disagreement. But they weren’t paying any attention to the look on their own faces, their posture, the angle of their shoulders.
Their bodies were broadcasting loudly, but it was rarely a message they were sending on purpose.
Of course, this phenomenon isn’t reserved for arguments between couples. The same scenario plays out in every conversation that matters. A manager who tells a team member their idea has potential, while leaning back with arms crossed and eyes already on the next agenda item. A friend who says “I’m fine” while their arms are crossed, their eyes are somewhere else, and the temperature in the room has dropped ten degrees. A colleague who nods along in a meeting while their expression is saying, ‘You’re lucky I’m even listening to you.’
Their words say one thing. Their body says something else altogether.
But what do we pay the most attention to?
Their body
Every time.
Now, we’ve got an important conversation coming up. One we’ve been putting off because last time, it didn’t go well.
So, we diligently prepare our words. We’ve got all of our non-inflammatory phrases ready. We think about how we’re going to frame things. We’ve promised ourselves we’ll remain calm and reasonable.
And then we walk in with a stony expression, a tight jaw, and eyes that have already decided the outcome. And we wonder why they get all defensive!
Day 2 and Day 3 of this series were entirely about words. The right phrases. The ones that open people up rather than shut them down. And when we prepare for a difficult conversation, we almost always focus on that. What we’ll say. When we’ll say it.
But what Gottman’s research makes painfully clear is that none of that preparation matters if our body has already decided to say something else entirely.
Gottman says the most important communication skill isn’t finding the right words. It’s making sure the rest of you agrees with them.
Are you curious about what your body language is saying? Here’s how to find out.
After a conversation today, before you part ways, say this to the other person:
“Can I ask you a strange question?”
“Sure”
Put everything I said to one side for a moment. What did you actually feel from me while we were talking?”
It’s a bit weird. Most people have never been asked this question before. But the answers will be very interesting. Sometimes surprising. Maybe uncomfortable, but possibly some of the most useful feedback you’ve ever received about your communication.
Because until someone tells us what our body is saying, most of us genuinely have no idea.
Still to come in the Communication Series:
Day 5: Why nobody feels heard anymore
Day 6: How to actually listen
Day 7: How to ask for what you need without it sounding like a demand
Day 8: The “I” statement done right
Day 9: How to hold a boundary without ending the relationship
Day 10: The conversation you’ve been putting off for too long
Cool, Calm Communication — Post 4 of 5