Knowing and ready are not the same thing
You may have read our previous post and thought …
“Yeah. That makes sense.”
It does. I mean, there’s clearly a difference in the outcome of a conversation when you use inflammatory phrases vs. phrases that don’t threaten the other person’s perceived safety.
But …
To know this is not the same as doing anything about it.
You could have read them all, nodded, and thought “I’ll use those,” and later that day told someone they never listen.
When we’re calm, we’re reasonable. We can think clearly, choose our words, and consider the other person. But the moment a conversation gets difficult, our heart rate goes up, stress hormones kick in, and the part of our brain responsible for careful, considered language is the same part that shuts down.
We revert. Every time. To whatever we’ve always done.
So, how do you go from ‘yeah, that makes sense’ to regularly creating conversations that feel really good, lead to great outcomes, and help you to handle really tough topics?
Practice.
I shared some phrases with you yesterday (also below) that have a profound effect on communication. They can literally defuse your most volatile counterpart.
But reading those phrases isn’t enough. Understanding them isn’t either.
You need to practice them. To the point where they’re on call. Available even (especially) under pressure.
Like a fire drill. We don’t understand where the exit is because we saw it on a map once. And we don’t know how to handle a hard conversation through an intellectual understanding. We need practice.
Practice in low-stakes moments so those phrases are ‘available’ even under intense pressure.
There are 2 simple stages to practice:
1. Rehearsal
Literally, reading them out loud.
“That sounds important to you. Can you tell me more.”
“I never understood how you felt about that before.”
“Why does that make you feel that way?”
“Can I just repeat what you said to see if I understand it properly.”
“(pause) … that’s interesting. Thanks for telling me how you feel.”
“I don’t agree with you, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong.”
“I wish we would have spoken about this earlier.”
“Can I take some time to think about that before responding?”
“I appreciate you sharing such a difficult topic with me.”
“My opinion is slightly different. Can I share it with you?”
2. Use
Using them in conversations to observe their impact and build your familiarity with them.
Here they are in scenarios where you can see them working:
Chatting with a friend who’s telling you about a new project they’re excited about. “That sounds important to you. Tell me more.” Practised here in a genuinely curious moment, it’s ready when that same friend is telling you something that’s breaking their heart.
An old friend mentions in passing that a falling out years ago affected them more than you realized. “I never understood how you felt about that before.” Natural here because something is genuinely being revealed. Available when a partner finally shares that something you dismissed hurt them more deeply than you knew.
Your partner mentions something at dinner that clearly bothered them during the day. “Why does that make you feel that way?” A natural question when nothing’s at stake. Essential when the answer turns out to be something you didn’t see coming.
A friend opens up about something they’ve been sitting with for a while but haven’t known how to say. “(pause) … that’s interesting. Thanks for telling me how you feel.” No drama here, just space. Available when someone tells you something raw and unexpected, and the worst thing you could do is fill the silence with the first thing that comes to mind.
A friend recommends a book you didn’t connect with. “I don’t agree with you, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong.” Easy and warm in this moment. Available when someone you love is making a decision you think they’ll regret, and you need to say so without making it a fight.
Your partner suggests handling something differently than you normally would. “I wish we would have spoken about this earlier.” No tension here, just an honest observation. The same phrase quietly defuses a conversation where a long-buried resentment has finally surfaced.
A friend asks what you think about something they haven’t fully decided yet. “Can I take some time to think about that before responding?” Completely comfortable here. Transformative when someone tells you something significant, and every instinct is telling you to fill the silence immediately.
A colleague mentions they’ve been dealing with something outside work that’s affected their focus. “I appreciate you sharing such a difficult topic with me.” Warm and simple in this moment. The right response when someone tells you something that took real courage to say out loud.
A friend sees a situation completely differently to you. “My opinion is slightly different. Can I share it with you?” Natural over coffee. Available when the same disagreement is about something that actually matters to both of you.
Today: Pick one. Say it out loud 3 times. Then use it in a low-stakes conversation before you need it when it really counts. This is the beginning of transformation.
Try this one. It’s my favorite, and arguably the most versatile:
“My opinion is slightly different. Can I share it with you?”
The complete picture is the moment you feel a genuine sense of comfort in tackling difficult topics, knowing you can navigate them without rupturing relationships.
Coming up in the Communication Series:
Day 4: What your body is saying while your mouth is talking
Day 5: Why nobody feels heard anymore
Day 6: How to actually listen
Day 7: How to ask for what you need without it sounding like a demand
Day 8: The “I” statement done right
Day 9: How to hold a boundary without ending the relationship
Day 10: The conversation you’ve been putting off for too long
Cool, Calm Communication — Post 3 of 5